talk about a stretch

It’s been a long time for me too, and in more than one sense of the word. If things that I put down on paper – or virtual paper – are sporadic, then it’s because my consciousness is sporadic, and that drives me crazy every minute of every day.

So what is it I am up against, here?
For those of you who know me these days, know about me, know of me through cyberspace or random conversation, you would likely know that I have epilepsy, which is something that I didn’t even know about myself for many years, and then it took a little while after that to get the bravery to say it aloud.

Because bravery must be summoned, for something like that.  There are folks who act chill, thankfully—who look sympathetic, or merely curious—and I don’t mind curious, because I’m perfectly fine answering any questions anyone might have on the subject.  Satisfy curiosity, or quell some ignorance, right?  Whichever, whatever, whenever.
Well, okay, maybe not *whenever*.  I’d rather not be doing so when the lights are going down in the theatre, when a rollercoaster is ratcheting its way up that inevitable first hill, or when I’m trying to use a public restroom.  But pretty much anywhere else. It’s probably that teacher-ly thing of mine (and god, do I miss rollercoasters!)

But then there are others, so many others, who recoil at the news, at the word, at *me*.
And I don’t use the term ‘recoil’ metaphorically, understand—we’re talking literally, here, as in them looking slightly horrified, or actually backing away.
No kidding.  It may be only a few steps, if there are others around, and we’re at some party setting where, you know, manners are expected, but they back away nonetheless.

“Oh, they are only a little scared” I sometimes hear, “worried because they feel like they wouldn’t know what to do if you had a seizure…it’s not that they find you horrifying, nothing like that.”
Yeah, uh-huh.
First, if someone is having some physical thing happening with their body that you don’t understand and that looks alarming (A.K.A. a ‘medical issue’) and you don’t know what to do—CALL AN AMBULANCE.  In this age of cell phones, is this really so difficult?  Is this not a no-brainer?
And second, I recognize expressions when I see them since, being a human being, it’s a wee bit important for my survival.  So it’s a horrified one, much of the time.  As though I’m some freak that’s going to get epilepsy microbes on them. 

Dear those of you who probably aren’t reading my blog, anyway:  NOT CONTAGIOUS.  I’m not suddenly some alien from the planet Epilepsy, and I’m not going to get any of my ‘freak ooze’ on you. I’m not going to possess you with demons, nor am I possessed by one, myself.  This is not about to turn into a scene from The Exorcist. STOP STARING IN HORROR.

“You’re reading too much into it”, others will tell me.  “Don’t assume that everyone’s expression means the same thing”.
Nope.  Sorry.  Expressions are universal; learned that one in school, myself.  So if someone happens to find tapioca pudding revolting, it doesn’t matter whether they are from Louisiana or the Netherlands—they are going to get the same look on their face..  Disgust looks like disgust the world ‘round.  And when you’re horrified by what you see, your horror is there for all to see, Our faces don’t lie, and it doesn’t matter what part of the globe you’re from. (Not quite sure you believe me on that one?  Just ask Paul Ekman.  He did some whopping great research on the matter).
Jeez.  I’ve stopped teaching, and I can’t stop teaching.
I feel like there should be a study guide lurking in the wings.

Where *was* I?

Oh, yeah….people and their reactions.

And third (wasn’t I on third?), there’s a part of me that frankly doesn’t really care anymore if it is ‘only’ just fear.  I realize that it is supposed to be a comforting thought, that it is just fear that makes them stare so.
But I’m still getting stared at.  And it’s still with fear.  What am I supposed to do with that, really, what do I say?  “Oh, it’s okay, don’t worry, I won’t suddenly turn into a goblin before your eyes.”  Because that’s the kind of fear-face I’m talking about.
And, again, CELL PHONES.

So, okay, I’m thinking I sound a bit tense, today.  DO I SEEM TENSE TO YOU FOLKS? 

Hey, while we’re on this topic that you don’t yet realize we’re on—can I just say ‘guys’ in that situation, without it being some major political statement?  As in: “Do I seem tense to you guys?” Because that is entirely the lingo /slang of the era in which I ‘grew up’, and the term has never referred to anything other than ‘people’ to me. And I’m preeeeeetty sure that’s how most in my particular age group use the term…quite generically.  And of course there was a great deal to be upset about from back then, to take issue with, in general. There are many other times and topics that I can (and will) go to battle over, and when I make a political statement, believe me, *you’ll know*.

At any rate, it’s my blog, so I can do what I want (of course, haha), and I really don’t think I can go on using the term ‘folks’, endlessly.  It makes me feel as though I’m giving speeches at convention centers, or addressing the elderly.

So, DO I SEEM TENSE TO YOU GUYS?
Well, a little, I guess.  But since I have a lovely cup of tea next to me, and I’m at home, no one is likely to stare at me in horror other than the cat–and they do that on a regular basis, anyway, don’t they?  Nothing to do with epilepsy; it’s all equal-opportunity horrified staring for them.