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back in blog-land

is this a reboot,

or what?

I started a blog awhile back.
It seemed like a good idea, at the time.
And it wasn’t even just my idea—those around me, in fact, were the first to bring it up, as I recall, so it’s on them, as far as I’m concerned.
Instigators.
Trouble-makers.

It didn’t go too well, as I’m sure you’ve surmised by this point, for while I had a few, loyal followers, it never really took off into cyberspace, and I didn’t have the time to put into it that it probably deserved, since back then I was still teaching (hundreds of students), trying to homeschool my son, and deal with a host of other issues simultaneously.

The blog had been called ‘drop the story line’, and so ironically, after a few weeks, I had to do just that.
Sad to say, but, you know…apt.

But now—but now, I’ve been cornered by my physical condition (or perhaps it’s more accurate to say ‘I cornered myself via putting myself in this physical condition’), and my body has forced me to go on disability. 
Yeah, you heard that right.  My neurologist had told me (*years* ago, now): “Sally, you either go on disability or your body will put you there!” and guess what?
I not only didn’t stop working, I didn’t even cut back.  I didn’t even keep status quo. Ah, nope.
I piled on ‘til I was basically double-timing my teaching schedule—so when I say ‘hundreds of students’, I’m not just being metaphorical, there.


So, what do you know?  Now, without my ‘consent’, with no intent, I find myself here.  But hey—plenty of time for blogging, right?

However…I can hardly start back by picking up a story line that I didn’t want to be holding in the first place (that former title, you see), so I had to choose a more fitting name for all of this.  And, since more and more I’ve come to realize how much people’s experience of life is colored by their perception of it—which is different from mine, and which, in fact, keeps changing as they experience more, learn more, etc.—I have decided this title is a good way to describe what I write about, and how I do so.
 
In here you will hopefully get a genuine glimpse of how I am perceiving the world, as time is going by.  Maybe it will resonate with you, or maybe it really won’t, but either way, there is that possibility that seeing my perspective could give you more insight into your own.


Along the way, I wish us all clarity, and a good sense of humour.

and now, joy?

And suddenly, out of nowhere, I feel joy.

I don’t know where it came from—does it ever come ‘from’ anywhere?  I’ve been having a hard time of it, lately, as you’ve probably guessed, given that it’s been quite awhile since I’ve posted anything.

And sometimes, even for a compulsive writer like me, saying things on paper is a little too intense a thing to do.

but suddenly, I feel joy. 

I thought it was worth mentioning.

Usually, there’s crabbing, complaining, bemoaning—and not just from me (although I do a lot of that, too, I hate to admit)—but just in general, all around. Rarely do you hear someone say that they feel joyful, unless it is to mention that they’ve accomplished something, as in losing 10 pounds, or getting a new job, or suddenly being in a ‘relationship’ with someone new.

In which case, if you’re on Facebook and you choose to say so. it announces this relationship for you IN GIANT LETTERS.
Whoa, there, social media…calm down.  Your friends are going to be happy for you, but there’s no need to SHOUT IT IN THEIR FACES. With a PHOTO.  Often in some odd circular formation, depending on what FB feels is interesting that particular week, because they keep changing how they do things, as though that will get more people to join their service.
Yeah, uh-huh.  Sure.  Because you don’t have enough users already, guys. (and I’m talking to YOU, Zuckerboy—because by now you probably own this blogging platform.  *eyeroll*)

At any rate, our culture is obsessed with constant accomplishment, and so our happiness, sadly (see what I did, there?  Heh heh) tends to be tied with that.
Well, not this time (she brags, having accomplished joy without having accomplished anything…see what I did there?)

Okay, so I’m in an odd mood.  It’s the happy thing.
Maybe it’s the freshness of the air.

Although that sounds so inspirational, you’d think I was about to launch into some poetry of the sort you would have had to read in high school English class.  Not likely, however; I wasn’t a big fan. Don’t get me wrong–I don’t hate poetry at all.  Just that stuff.


Okay, now I’m veering perilously close to the crabby lane, because pretty soon I’ll be talking about authors I hate, like Ibsen and Steinbeck, and I’ll be off on the rant of the century.

[…and just what does she have against Steinbeck, you ask?] 

Okay—if you want to go there.  He writes in what may be the longest sentences known to humankind, and he spends so much time describing the setting that you are half asleep before you get to the action.  Which takes awhile to happen, because his sentences are so loooooooooooong.   The only one who even tried to compete with him on any of this and succeeded may have been Michener, who, when he described a setting, would start back around the dawn of history and keep going until he got you to the present-day dust on the road. 

My father was a huge fan, and we used to get into debates about this.  He savoured the description. “It gives you a real feel for the setting,”  he would say.
“Well, ya, if you’re an archeologist” I’d reply, which would get him laughing, which would then get me laughing, which was why we kept having these ‘debates’.
In fact, the only Michener book I enjoyed was entitled ‘The Drifters’, which is about various people from different places who decide to give up what they are doing and seek meaning through exploring and meeting others.
Hence the name.
My father disliked the book because it focused on characters and it had no single location, so there wasn’t much description at all.
I liked it for those very reasons.
Which is why we kept having those ‘debates’.

Eh…tricked you, there, right?   No rant about Steinbeck or Ibsen, just a lengthy description (see what I did, there?  Heh heh) of Michener and how my father and I differed in our opinions of him.
And no high school poetry, yet still a schoolish analysis of literature.
Complete with a vague book report.

Well, chalk it up to my having just written my son’s homeschool curriculum for the year.  (See what I did, there?)
And I’ll bet by now you really wish I’d quit saying that.  Writing that. Whatever.

Okay, wow.  THIS MUST BE MY MOST THRILLING BLOG ENTRY, YET.
And you thought that my writing about what I was going to be writing about was bad. 

~ these are merely the fruits of my joy ~

  ♪♫  ♫ ♪

Okay, gaaah, get me away from this BLOG, right?  And may I never meet this woman in person. 




talk about a stretch

It’s been a long time for me too, and in more than one sense of the word. If things that I put down on paper – or virtual paper – are sporadic, then it’s because my consciousness is sporadic, and that drives me crazy every minute of every day.

So what is it I am up against, here?
For those of you who know me these days, know about me, know of me through cyberspace or random conversation, you would likely know that I have epilepsy, which is something that I didn’t even know about myself for many years, and then it took a little while after that to get the bravery to say it aloud.

Because bravery must be summoned, for something like that.  There are folks who act chill, thankfully—who look sympathetic, or merely curious—and I don’t mind curious, because I’m perfectly fine answering any questions anyone might have on the subject.  Satisfy curiosity, or quell some ignorance, right?  Whichever, whatever, whenever.
Well, okay, maybe not *whenever*.  I’d rather not be doing so when the lights are going down in the theatre, when a rollercoaster is ratcheting its way up that inevitable first hill, or when I’m trying to use a public restroom.  But pretty much anywhere else. It’s probably that teacher-ly thing of mine (and god, do I miss rollercoasters!)

But then there are others, so many others, who recoil at the news, at the word, at *me*.
And I don’t use the term ‘recoil’ metaphorically, understand—we’re talking literally, here, as in them looking slightly horrified, or actually backing away.
No kidding.  It may be only a few steps, if there are others around, and we’re at some party setting where, you know, manners are expected, but they back away nonetheless.

“Oh, they are only a little scared” I sometimes hear, “worried because they feel like they wouldn’t know what to do if you had a seizure…it’s not that they find you horrifying, nothing like that.”
Yeah, uh-huh.
First, if someone is having some physical thing happening with their body that you don’t understand and that looks alarming (A.K.A. a ‘medical issue’) and you don’t know what to do—CALL AN AMBULANCE.  In this age of cell phones, is this really so difficult?  Is this not a no-brainer?
And second, I recognize expressions when I see them since, being a human being, it’s a wee bit important for my survival.  So it’s a horrified one, much of the time.  As though I’m some freak that’s going to get epilepsy microbes on them. 

Dear those of you who probably aren’t reading my blog, anyway:  NOT CONTAGIOUS.  I’m not suddenly some alien from the planet Epilepsy, and I’m not going to get any of my ‘freak ooze’ on you. I’m not going to possess you with demons, nor am I possessed by one, myself.  This is not about to turn into a scene from The Exorcist. STOP STARING IN HORROR.

“You’re reading too much into it”, others will tell me.  “Don’t assume that everyone’s expression means the same thing”.
Nope.  Sorry.  Expressions are universal; learned that one in school, myself.  So if someone happens to find tapioca pudding revolting, it doesn’t matter whether they are from Louisiana or the Netherlands—they are going to get the same look on their face..  Disgust looks like disgust the world ‘round.  And when you’re horrified by what you see, your horror is there for all to see, Our faces don’t lie, and it doesn’t matter what part of the globe you’re from. (Not quite sure you believe me on that one?  Just ask Paul Ekman.  He did some whopping great research on the matter).
Jeez.  I’ve stopped teaching, and I can’t stop teaching.
I feel like there should be a study guide lurking in the wings.

Where *was* I?

Oh, yeah….people and their reactions.


And third (wasn’t I on third?), there’s a part of me that frankly doesn’t really care anymore if it is ‘only’ just fear.  I realize that it is supposed to be a comforting thought, that it is just fear that makes them stare so.
But I’m still getting stared at.  And it’s still with fear.  What am I supposed to do with that, really, what do I say?  “Oh, it’s okay, don’t worry, I won’t suddenly turn into a goblin before your eyes.”  Because that’s the kind of fear-face I’m talking about.
And, again, CELL PHONES.

So, okay, I’m thinking I sound a bit tense, today.  DO I SEEM TENSE TO YOU FOLKS? 

Hey, while we’re on this topic that you don’t yet realize we’re on—can I just say ‘guys’ in that situation, without it being some major political statement?  As in: “Do I seem tense to you guys?” Because that is entirely the lingo /slang of the era in which I ‘grew up’, and the term has never referred to anything other than ‘people’ to me. And I’m preeeeeetty sure that’s how most in my particular age group use the term…quite generically.  And of course there was a great deal to be upset about from back then, to take issue with, in general. There are many other times and topics that I can (and will) go to battle over, and when I make a political statement, believe me, *you’ll know*.


At any rate, it’s my blog, so I can do what I want (of course, haha), and I really don’t think I can go on using the term ‘folks’, endlessly.  It makes me feel as though I’m giving speeches at convention centers, or addressing the elderly.


So, DO I SEEM TENSE TO YOU GUYS?
Well, a little, I guess.  But since I have a lovely cup of tea next to me, and I’m at home, no one is likely to stare at me in horror other than the cat–and they do that on a regular basis, anyway, don’t they?  Nothing to do with epilepsy; it’s all equal-opportunity horrified staring for them.




Where I’ve been, and…

And…wow.  I start off by putting up this big announcement that I am *back to blogging once again*, and then I don’t post another entry for what–2 weeks?  It certainly feels that long to me. Way to keep my fledgling readership on the edge of their seats.

If I keep this up, we may be talking folding chairs.
So what’s the deal, here?  Well, first of all, this is not necessarily something I am going to be able to post on like clockwork, every 7 days, although I wish that were the case.  I’ve had to give up my career because of being unable to guarantee such things, anymore (more on this topic, later), so I cannot do as a blogger what I used to do in the world of academia.
Heart-breaking as that is.

Second of all, in this particular case, I had a combination of illness plus technical failure gang up on me, and there was no getting ‘round it ‘til now.  This is where I am–Google Docs is saving the day (might as well give them credit).   

One More Important Bit Of Blog Business (well, not really all that important):

If anyone has noticed, I have tinkered a bit with the title of the blog.  I did that, in fact, less than a day after starting it, partially because I can be quite indecisive about things like this, but also because I didn’t think it quite captured the nature of what I am trying to do.
‘Experiencing changing perspectives’ sounded far too inspirational for me.
While this is certainly going to be about facing things–because I’m always having to do that, and I am planning on being quite blunt about that in here–this is not about “getting people to face their personal demons”, or “find their true selves”, because I wouldn’t presume.

Hell, I can’t even find my phone half the time.
So it’s still Changing Lenses, but ‘not your usual viewpoint’ fits it much better as a subtitle, not simply because the way I look at things tends to be quite different from the way others see them, given various things about me and my background (again, more on this topic, later), but because everyone’s viewpoint is unique.  (Oh, geez…now I’m edging over towards the inspirational again). Nothing wrong with inspirational, mind you. It’s just not really who I am.

Okay, The Blog Entry So Far:  I’ve told you why I haven’t posted sooner, and why I changed the subtitle.
Fascinating.
The question is:  am I actually going to write about anything, today?  Shall I save true content for another post, and just put them up in rapid succession, so I don’t risk putting my audience to sleep?  I’m thinking that might be a good idea.
I promise. No kidding. I truly do write about things other than the thing I’ve created to write about things.